An Olympic-Sized Rant

I woke up this morning and heard my friend Chris Bachmann was escorted to the airport by the IOC for speaking out of line at the boardercross contest. Why am I not surprised? Except from being loaded drunk at the 50k cross-country event at the 94 Lillehammer Games, I had never been to the Olympics. It looks so neat on TV, but it is a power machine. It strikes you immediately when you arrive. Billboards bigger than the ones in Times Square, new roads and trains. Hordes of people smashed on Jägermeister in the street, chanting for their nations like Neanderthals. Athletes dressed up in matching outfits. Helicopters in the air. Limousines transporting delegates. The infamous Olympic club with royal guests feasting on lobsters and vintage wine even Norwegians couldn't afford. More money in one spot than any other place in the world right now.

For the better good of the world? For peace? You gotta be kidding me...

They are counting medals and points. It's a mainstream sports war. It is the greatest symbol of the clash of nations and the wildest battle of global brands you have ever seen. It is old men controlling the world of sports. They are trying to go green, but the only green we saw were Lexus hybrid limousines transporting VIPs. Being responsible is soooo 2010.

Why is snowboarding here? Since the inception of snowboarding in the Olympics, all the exposure everyone is talking about has done nothing for snowboarding. No brand is selling more products due to the Olympics, no other events are getting more sponsorships or exposure. But snowboarding has done a lot for the Olympics. It has brought lifestyle and cool, young values to the sales presentations. From its start as the black sheep in the Olympic family, snowboarding is now one of the main events. Shaun White is the biggest star of the whole thing. He is bigger than hockey!

There is nothing even close to snowboarding in the Olympics. Ever been to a cross country contest? Or bobsled? There is a fundamental clash of values. From the dead-serious contest of nations pitted against each other to the transnational, fun concept of snowboarding. You got it right there. While snowboarders share the backstage like rockstars without a national home, the world of traditional sports divides the world by its borders. Where we would have put everyone in the same hotel and hung out in the bar together, there is nothing like that here.... to put it mildly.

The only thing that impressed me (besides Shaun's amazing run) in the Cypress arena was the scaffolding. The biggest temporary metal construction I have ever seen. It's like something they would have built in Dubai. It's also impressive that they were able to get that pipe up, cause there is no snow here. The flowers are blossoming in the hillsides. The birds are singing. I have heard, and this might be just a rumor, that they spent 5 million dollars on that pipe. To put it one way: the snow is not local. The carbon footprint of that pipe is bigger than a transatlantic 747 flight.

And there is no soul. I thought that was what snowboarding was all about. Here you have more spectators than any other snowboarding event this season, and nothing is happening. There is no great American band playing. At the Olympics? In North America? There isn't even music being played when the riders are doing their runs. The DJ plays during the breaks! There are some artsy-fartsy things going on with paintings, but I don't get why. I might be stupid, but it doesn't make any sense to me. Getting a beer takes forever. In fact, it takes so long you've got to go back to pee before you end the beer. And why not put up a sparkling display of snowboarding culture and lifestyle when people have to hang out 12 hours to watch prelims, semis and finals - in one day. But no: No snowboard village. Nothing going on in between the action. You got it right there: IN BETWEEN THE ACTION. That's also something that makes snowboarding completely different than the other sports here. It's not what's being said, but what's IN BETWEEN the lines that's important. Get it?

Spectators. I've never seen spectators like that at a snowboard contest. Moms and dads in national uniforms screaming every time someone from the old country makes it all the way down the pipe, like it was a stunt… "He made it!" Groups of sports fans coming in from the cross-country event in Whistler earlier in the day. "Just made it. Where is my seat? Remove yourself from MY SEAT, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!"

Format. Two runs, best one counts. Five judges. Funf komma acht, sechs komma sieben, zwei komma drei. Points deducted for not doing the obligatory straight air. Taste that word. Look it up under freestyle in the dictionary. It's not there. You will not find "obligatory" under freestyle. And with all due respect, the riders in the final are not the 12 best snowboarders in the world. I guess they would all be American, Finnish and Swiss if that was the case, but of course it wouldn't be the Olympics then. Nations before talent.

And they threw out Chris. What's up with that?

Well, I guess it's self-explanatory: a fascinating clash of cultures. He didn't fit the rule book. Like someone very dear to us all keeps saying, snowboarding did not arrive on this planet with a rule book.

Hail to Shaun for pushing snowboarding like he does, but this isn't it. This is not the future arena of competitive snowboarding.  

By Henning Andersen
Written at the Wings Sports Bar, 1162 Granville, Vancouver